Sunday, October 18, 2009
All I can say... is a BIG AMEN!! Jesus Christ saved me when He died on the Cross for us all over 2000 years ago... but October seems to be an amazing, blessed month for me--thru HIM!!
He saved me in 2002, back when I didn't know Him. My ex beat me. I can go a little more in depth on this Blog, as for I was entitled this day to write one... and this is the day our Savior SAVED me from death in 2003. I feel He needs a little more in depth detail to tell all HOW AMAZING HE IS.
I went thru my first brain surgery August 7th, 2002. Was quite painful... and stressful. As for #1 I didn't know Jesus. #2 my husband then, ex now... and I really had a very tough relationship. Had since the get-go in 1996... but worsened as for he was so angry my illness interrupted his schooling. Wasn't my goal. We got pregnant in 2000--- and my seizures which used to be controlled, just skyrocketed. Now granted, we got pregnant, the night we were kindly planning another divorce. I looked at it as a reason to stay together-- he was so angry, as for he was stuck. And was in another relationship he had to break.
Had my brain surgery in 2002, because my seizures just would not be controlled by anything. Tried everything you can name. And ones that even thru me into a psych ward back in Alabama in 2001, as for they didn't know how to handle all that change from pregnancy there. I will say, changing meds back and forth does not make you the most pleasant being, seizing left and right doesn't help... while raising a baby while exhausted all by yourself, because your other half is stationed elsewhere... mind you are never able to talk, as for he was having another grand time with another woman as well. So, after my 1st brain surgery... he was given a couple weeks to come out to help take care of our baby, while I healed. Was just a living nightmare. #1 He had never been around her--so he didn't know how. #2 He had such little care for my pain, that checking on me was more than a task. #3 Began true thoughts of despair of what was going on--he had so much pinned up anger. But a couple weeks after, he went back to Texas where he was stationed. Allowed my time of rent to be lived out thru September in AZ-very gladly. Mind you.. I still didn't know Jesus. I just talked to myself--whatever "god" might be out there on rights and wrongs. We had already been thru so much I haven't listed on this part...such as adultery, many break-ups etc.. that this was just getting to be wearing. Especially when trying to recover, and raise this kid. But when time came-- Tory (my daughter) and I, got on the plane-- flew out to Texas. There, within 20 minutes he was saying such evil words-- like "if you don't like it here--you can go back, but Tory will stay...." WOW!!! Never expected. But we pressed on from Austin to Killeen. And wow... he just grew snappier. I know I wasn't perfect. But in the past days, there used to be this comforter in him. It was distinguished. Even after-mind you not quite two months after my brain surgery. And our beautiful kid-finally together. No.. did nothing. His anger grew more violent. This coming from the one who thru all this Jesus stuff in my face in 1996-unexpectedly. Took up to the fourth day that we were there- that I was sitting there in our living room- finally had an apartment... got our kid down late... it was 11 pm that I was emotional. Hoping he'd be his old self and come hold me, say we will all get thru it. I was sitting there listening to my good ol' Counting Crow's- and missed Phoenix and family. And he just looked at me in disgust and said he wasn't dealing with it-all I do is complain. WOW... I hadn't even said anything... just wanted a loving touching hand.. and anger grew and grew.. then he got louder.. and I had to remind him we have a child... he was so aggressive, that I told him I was taking the bedroom he could take the couch if he couldn't talk--he busted thru that bedroom door--knocked me down... pinned me down, and began the bruising on me from there. Was a nightmare!! We had no phone!!! The neighbor was Army too--and wouldn't let me turn him in...get help... I had to wait til the next day... to get down to the base to find a phone. Had to sleep with my car keys--as much as I REALLY SLEPT!!
AND WOW!! That is where God works. I was bawling with Tory in my arms on a calling card to a dear friend-AFAR--what to do?? And an Army Chaplain walked by--stopped watching me bawl--asking HOW HE COULD HELP!!??? So many on lunch breaks, and off to meetings, etc.. many just don't have time today--we are all just so booked, but this soul felt Jesus speak to him... the #1 I was in despair, #2 I needed some nudge to Jesus....
We tried counseling very short term thru him, as for my ex would not accept the fact that he beat me--even with the social services having taken pictures to prove it. My daughter and I up for hours for that--on base--and the Police Department. She was shaken... I sure was too. The despair of it was, as much as I love my family, they would not believe me--that he beat me, and he was kicked out of the apartment. So hard to deal with tragic reality. So between it all--it began a severe feeling of despair and loneliness- as for I still did not know Jesus yet. So who to pray to??
I talked to lawyers, to neighbors, on the phone to whom is my dear dear husband today... my neurologist-Dr. Drazkowski-(I still see and thank Jesus for today).... looking for answers. Just hadn't found one true answer yet... as for I began to reach for my Phenobarbital-seizure medication, take extra to ease and numb pain. Would pound a great handful fly in my car up to Austin--the city. I loved it-I love cities. And I had a family friend there we'd visit. He could see there wasn't something the same about me. Took several visits... and invited my now husband down to visit in Dec of 2002. Asking a neighbor to watch Tory---NIGHTMARE. #1 I felt it was all wrong somehow-- and was just in despair from all I was going thru... #2 popped sooo many of my pills surprised I am typing... but-- it led my family friend (my dad's best friend from high school-Bill) to call my parents and say "GET OUT HERE NOW---SHE NEEDS YOU!!" And they were on the first flight finally... as for it was a blessing--cause my ex picked up our kid--wasn't supposed to--and found which hospital I was at-even though he wasn't supposed to have Tory-nor be near me. Shoved me there inside the hospital in front of our one year old---led me to calling cops... but in perfect timing--praise God-- my parents walked in that hospital door-- and we all left... and came back to Arizona. My ex just dropped it all. As for he was off to Iraq... and just was about hurting... control. God was working....
This is what leads up to October 19th... A day I will never in my life forget, no regret, now. All the year of 2003 I had been searching for Jesus FINALLY in my life. Even while higher than a kite---HE INVITES ALL IN. And the Holy Spirit can still get thru to you!! I was trying to be hard hearted at first--but wow!! Just started to grasp me with amazement!!! Started dating my now amazing husband Christian Siebens, from afar....he was in Seattle. And Tory and I moved into our own little one bedroom apartment--she had the bedroom--I slept on the floor of the living room--with a TV no cable for her--and a lamp--no shade. Most awesome time of my life to be honest!!! I had off and on periods of popping way too many pills-was seeing an amazing psychiatrist for that at Mayo-Dr. Hanson-then later up thru today is amazing Dr. Stonnington. In July-then September of that year began seeing an AMAZING psychologist for people with seizures, strokes, etc... Dr. Sari Roth-Roemer--blessing and a half--who has helped me become so much of who I am today!!
I had been silent the whole time attending my church-Cornerstone Christian Fellowship, Chandler, AZ--but one day--in July of 2003, bit tipsy on too many pills again-at a church service-something spoke to me BIG. And made me look FINALLY for just ONE person to talk to--vent to. Ask questions about life, Jesus, what to do. And there was this lady I had seen almost every Sunday sitting pretty still as everyone was leaving--and I just chose her to reach to...my very dear friend and neighbor Karen. I reached to her BIG that night. Granted pretty tipsy, so God knows she was wondering what is up with this girl.. but she sure listened and reached out!!! And we kept in contact thru the year--she was like another counselor for me!! On biblical grounds. I truly today thank Jesus for her--she has helped me in so many ways-be a good mom, get thru hard points, she was my maid of honor. I am so blessed.
Had several overdosing stays in the hospital that year... but October 19th---why the date of this Blog meant so much to me is amazing---I argued on the phone with my ex on the 18th... and that argument just hurt. I had been saving my Phenobarbital pills--not taking them since August because I "hated" them. But not flushing them either in case of a "rainy" day. That argument felt like it was pouring. Denying he beat me--after apologizing a couple weeks prior. So psychologically confusing. So the next day... I popped half of my storage in the AM--went the the gym with my kid and friend, and his autistic kid. Hyper-drive started to kick in---walking straight lines weren't happening. Then.. began to feel the bit of downfall.. took it all.... 10,000 mg's... granted my body had grown pretty tolerant over the year. But I shouldn't be here typing. Led to us at the mall... me shopping like a bandit--for things I couldn't afford--and still have today to never forget. But it finally hit me--when I thought if I popped the ending of that bottle--I could just quickly go to sleep without feeling any type of fear first---I was wrong. And God gave me the feeling of regret--and fear. And I fortunately had my neurologists cell on program--like God knew this would occur. I hit the button in tears and asked what to do (best I could speak)---and he said to get there NOW. And sadly--I didn't just ask my friend to take us from the mall to that ER (30 miles)... no. I packed my kiddo up in my car... and said follow me to pack for my stay. And FLEW down the 40 mph street doing 80!!! TALK ABOUT JESUS' hand on us the WHOLE WAY...
My friend got us a sitter... and called my mom... and took me up to Mayo. And on the way--I remember nothing. I only remember when I got there--and they STAT put tube down me to pump my stomach-- just before I went into coma-- I asked Him to somehow give me another chance...and following--when I woke up in a room--I was still coming down off a high dose...but something still began to feel different. And I was still tipsy enough to not be embarrassed to call Karen, let her know how dumb I was--how amazing Jesus was. She was up in SECONDS!! That was when I was amazed at Christian friends who are there for you thru EVERYTHING!! She even had one of our very dear pastors come up to pray for me!! WOW--I had never been so touched in my life... that awesome Pastor Tom Stone was the same one who came to pray for me for my second brain surgery too... awesome friends thru Jesus I was learning!! WOW!!
And it all put me ONE FIRE FOR HIM!! I jumped in the Bible---and was amazed at how He spoke, and speaks to US. HE IS OUR SAVIOR ALL THE TIME!!! We have to see that!!
And I am still sitting here typing, blogging, tweeting, Facebooking, SKYPE'ing,, ning'ing, Lord... etc.. reaching now out to others... with epilepsy, domestic violence, depression, overdosage, suicide, etc... Most of all... those searching for Jesus. He has done nothing but brought so much good into my life... I learned so much thru it all---we need to forgive ourselves--knowing HE FORGIVES US FIRST!! (learned that thru my Bible study teacher Amy!! AMEN!!) And we need to forgive others... or we can't live a good life. I learned seizures worsen with me without forgiving others. Took me 4 years to forgive my ex--but it was an amazing feeling when I did.
He has brought so much joy and good thru all the tough times--as I found Him, trusted Him, walked tightly with knowing He has plans, and will not turn on me!! EVER!! And He hasn't -- has turned all this yuck into so much good-- and able to use so much I learned for His Glory!
With that... I have great news of my daughter being adopted by my husband-Christian Siebens @flyingchristian and @WorldVentures4U --whom she has always seen as her daddy-this coming year...and my 3rd brain surgery will be to come--to lessen medications!! He works wonders... even thru all the tough--leads to amazing good!!! We took the day my ex beat me and married that day in 2007---so it would always be a blissful day--not one to mourn over. And I always send my docs cards on Oct 19th--for helping thru Jesus to save my life!! (and I always buy a Starbucks cup--and my daughter clothes from Gymboree--as for that is what I did higher than I kite--I do it sane with happiness now!!)
Know you are wanted and loved by so many!! Jesus #1---family and friends and ME #2---never doubt that!! Jesus is always my Savior--your Savior-- always there to be our SAVE-YOUR :) Know that!! No matter what you are going thru or HOW you are going thru it--HE WILL GET YOU THRU IT--as you whisper to Him for His mercy and help!!!
In His Love,
My very first verse I opened to on my OWN when I really turned to Him after I exited Mayo Hospital---ALIVE!!!
Romans 4:18-19 AND...
Abraham NEVER wavered believing God's promise. In Fact, His faith grew STRONGER and in this he brought glory to God. He was absolutely convinced that God was able to do anything He promised. And because of Abraham's faith, God declared him to be righteous.
John 1:1-5 In the beginning the Word already existed. He was with God, and He was God. He was in the beginning with God. He created everything there is. Nothing exists that He didn't make. Life itself was in Him, and this life gives light to everyone. The light shines thru the darkness, and the darkness can never distinguish it.
Galatians 1:4 He died for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live.
1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 Always be joyful. Keep on praying. No matter what happens, always be thankful, for this is God's will for you who belong to Christ Jesus.